Ive just spent twenty minutes sat on the lavatory deciding whether or not i should swat a fly to death with a pair of my dirty underpants.
I'm rather pleased i chose to spare his life, but in a moment of clarity i just felt a bit pathetic stood with a pair of stained nut cabinets in my hand , clear proof i should not be sent to war i think.
Thursday, 17 June 2010
its never gonna happen
I watched an old rerun episode of that Bear Grylls, "born survivor"(it was like his parents always knew hed be a twat) last night you'd think maybe with a name like bear he'd be rather butch but all i saw from him, was lots of skipping down the odd sand dune , jumping excitedly from one rock to another like some fanta filled child in some sort of action montage, then he tells us we can eat all the little critters to stay alive before spitting them out and telling us it tasted like shit, very informative.
I began to wonder how the hell id get lost in the Mexican desert to start with, obviously he was dropped off there via a medium of transport, i started to muse how the various scenarios of how id end up in the Mexican wilderness, fell out of a plane maybe? not likely for the reason that should i survive the 40,000 ft drop from an aeroplane without a parachute, (for one i do not think American airlines have in economy class) without at least grazing my knee, I'm unlikely to be carrying a bowie knife, wearing sturdy combat trousers, or carrying a Small bit of charcoal used for primitive water purification device let alone having a nifty gortex jacket draped round my waist and tied in a knot like a jaunty public schoolboy, the pies ta resistance was bear happening upon a honeycomb being guarded by angry dangerous bees and he took great pleasure in showing us how to retrieve the honey without getting stung, whilst getting stung, genius, however this super man manages to make it to the coast with a bee stung elephant man face swollen to hell whilst carrying a knotted makeshift snake skin canteen filled with his own piss, then upon reaching the sea removes his clothes jumps in then wanders jogging down the shore line like David Hasslehoff completely forgetting about all his belongings fucking poser Andy Mcnab? Andy MCscab i say , well at least it wasn't the episode where he slept in a rotten carcass for no good reason or the one where he shows us how to get out of freezing cold water, i guess my point is I'm never ever, nor is a vast majority of the viewing public going to get too these places, to be honest i cant afford it , and hey if we did bear mate wed do what every British man would do when in a hot country or on a holiday of a lifetime tie a not in a hanky lie back and whine about the locals not speaking English and wait for the coach to come pick us up.
i would not i stress not resort to drinking my 90 degree urine out of a reptiles arse, id no doubt have a packet of fruit pastels in my pocket that would keep me going for a good day or two.
I began to wonder how the hell id get lost in the Mexican desert to start with, obviously he was dropped off there via a medium of transport, i started to muse how the various scenarios of how id end up in the Mexican wilderness, fell out of a plane maybe? not likely for the reason that should i survive the 40,000 ft drop from an aeroplane without a parachute, (for one i do not think American airlines have in economy class) without at least grazing my knee, I'm unlikely to be carrying a bowie knife, wearing sturdy combat trousers, or carrying a Small bit of charcoal used for primitive water purification device let alone having a nifty gortex jacket draped round my waist and tied in a knot like a jaunty public schoolboy, the pies ta resistance was bear happening upon a honeycomb being guarded by angry dangerous bees and he took great pleasure in showing us how to retrieve the honey without getting stung, whilst getting stung, genius, however this super man manages to make it to the coast with a bee stung elephant man face swollen to hell whilst carrying a knotted makeshift snake skin canteen filled with his own piss, then upon reaching the sea removes his clothes jumps in then wanders jogging down the shore line like David Hasslehoff completely forgetting about all his belongings fucking poser Andy Mcnab? Andy MCscab i say , well at least it wasn't the episode where he slept in a rotten carcass for no good reason or the one where he shows us how to get out of freezing cold water, i guess my point is I'm never ever, nor is a vast majority of the viewing public going to get too these places, to be honest i cant afford it , and hey if we did bear mate wed do what every British man would do when in a hot country or on a holiday of a lifetime tie a not in a hanky lie back and whine about the locals not speaking English and wait for the coach to come pick us up.
i would not i stress not resort to drinking my 90 degree urine out of a reptiles arse, id no doubt have a packet of fruit pastels in my pocket that would keep me going for a good day or two.
Monday, 14 June 2010
suspicious toffee crisp wrapper found up grandmas snatch
I was flicking through endless bile on sky television prior to this of course but later this evening when i happened upon the outlandish and cheesy American soap opera days of our lives, i entered mid scene with a young couple a man and a very distraught and tearful wife sitting at a kitchen table asking a sitting, drowsy and very near death grandma " who did it grandma, please tell us pleeease" grandma just sat there swaying and moaning like Derek Acorah in 25 Cromwell street, which lead me to believe that she had been molested by a poltergeist and the perpetrator was still in the act and that's where it fucking left me. now i have to sleep, but not until i check the TV guide to find out when i can can catch the next episode just to put my mind at rest she hasn't been followed home from a seance, that's how they suck you in bastards.
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
super smashing great
Words and language betray us in so many ways, well not so much the existence of but most definitely our use of them.
Last night i opened up a packet of " fun size" maltesers shook the bag and out popped four little spherical chocolate morsels, i repeat four! now I'm not expecting to be swimming in fucking chocolate public baths like scrooge mcduck in his money bin, after reading a label advertising fun size i sort of know exactly what to expect from my snack experience but its downright scandalous, i had a packet the evening before and i definitely had a handful i wont profess to know the exact number but it wasn't four.
But why am i surprised i tell myself the world is full of over exaggerations and misused superlatives mostly perpetrated by advertising , political, retail or media agencies and we fucking lap it up like morons on an outing, i mean look at the world we had the great depression yeah that was fucking grrrreat wasn't it i especially liked that part when those few million non third world human beings died from starvation, we have super markets or to the layman a market for Christs sake its a bastard market, mega stores , a big shop, oh oh and business and retail parks sounds fun don't it? yeah until you get there and ask where all the fun is or where they have hidden the slide swings and monkey twatting bars.
I could go on with my rant and i could find many more examples of which I'm sure there are many, and some that would further cause me more anguish and you may think I'm over reacting, but it just underlines the bullshit that permeates this world ,bullshit bullshit bullshit man I've had enough i truly have oh hold on one more and this is a fucking corker HYPER market, this enrages me to the uppermost, when i think of hyper i think of new dimensions in space and time parallel universes, traversing at great speeds for the benefit of humanity and scientific break throughs, travelling at hyper speed to reach distant quadrants of this universe and maybe even others to meet and share knowledge of understanding ourselves with hyper dimensional beings super men mega men to infinity and the great beyond.
What next new DAZ quantum detergent? it probably exists.
I'm writing to the chocolate company who makes these fuckers, who is it again? MARS? oh now your just winding me up fuck off just fffffuck offff.
Last night i opened up a packet of " fun size" maltesers shook the bag and out popped four little spherical chocolate morsels, i repeat four! now I'm not expecting to be swimming in fucking chocolate public baths like scrooge mcduck in his money bin, after reading a label advertising fun size i sort of know exactly what to expect from my snack experience but its downright scandalous, i had a packet the evening before and i definitely had a handful i wont profess to know the exact number but it wasn't four.
But why am i surprised i tell myself the world is full of over exaggerations and misused superlatives mostly perpetrated by advertising , political, retail or media agencies and we fucking lap it up like morons on an outing, i mean look at the world we had the great depression yeah that was fucking grrrreat wasn't it i especially liked that part when those few million non third world human beings died from starvation, we have super markets or to the layman a market for Christs sake its a bastard market, mega stores , a big shop, oh oh and business and retail parks sounds fun don't it? yeah until you get there and ask where all the fun is or where they have hidden the slide swings and monkey twatting bars.
I could go on with my rant and i could find many more examples of which I'm sure there are many, and some that would further cause me more anguish and you may think I'm over reacting, but it just underlines the bullshit that permeates this world ,bullshit bullshit bullshit man I've had enough i truly have oh hold on one more and this is a fucking corker HYPER market, this enrages me to the uppermost, when i think of hyper i think of new dimensions in space and time parallel universes, traversing at great speeds for the benefit of humanity and scientific break throughs, travelling at hyper speed to reach distant quadrants of this universe and maybe even others to meet and share knowledge of understanding ourselves with hyper dimensional beings super men mega men to infinity and the great beyond.
What next new DAZ quantum detergent? it probably exists.
I'm writing to the chocolate company who makes these fuckers, who is it again? MARS? oh now your just winding me up fuck off just fffffuck offff.
Monday, 7 June 2010
is your child minder a glitter sitter?
i have come across if you pardon the pun , a web page dedicated to helping you spot one of these vile sex offenders, a list of tell tale signs definitions, and handy notes in the margin as it were ,in fact the term i am looking for is dossier or no no no a peeeedo file even.
most of the sections are all very informative and rightly so but one deals with the category of THE ATTITUDE OF CHILD MOLESTERS and excerpts of the page go as follows.
The kinds of traps he sets for your children -and where he sets them.
" The most often used traps include asking for help,finding a lost puppy carrying books and groceries or asking for directions. Young children are lured by money toys candy or promises of puppies or kittens older children by drugs money or alcohol , or even promises of movie careers"
Just how many real bona fide peedos do you know that actually use the line do you want to come see my puppies? me? none that's right none zilch zero, i especially do not know any who claim to be fucking Steven Spielberg, this is either a horrifying statistic or a very bad stereo type of a child molester.
" hey , kid stick with me I'm gonna make you a star, sign on the dotted line kid me and you lets make movies straighhhht to the top yes sir" would say Steven whilst twiddling a giant cigar in his mouth like one of the twatting Marx brothers, " OK but what about the puppies sweets and kittens MR S.?" would say the child, "never mind that boy I'm making E.T 2 so get in the fucking basket" .
Its just not very fucking likely is it?
Id be far more inclined to be believe he was setting real traps to catch them ones with big sharp steel jaws that clang shut and rip the kids legs off at the knee, bear pits, fuck knows giant mouse traps maybe , what i do know is kids ain't interested in fluffy kittens and sweeties.
An abductor preys upon children who-
takes short cuts to school
looks depressed
are loners
appear unkempt neglected or unsupervised
and frequent video arcades
Oh yeah very likely , how many kids actually use arcades any more since the induction of the junior predator drone simulation system concept X box live, all i can imagine here is an arcade chocka block full of peedos looking furtively around and at their watches wondering whether to turn it in for the day and try again tomorrow, after all there is only so many games of street fighter two you can play before you start to look suspicious .
http://antisex.info/en/molester.htm
most of the sections are all very informative and rightly so but one deals with the category of THE ATTITUDE OF CHILD MOLESTERS and excerpts of the page go as follows.
The kinds of traps he sets for your children -and where he sets them.
" The most often used traps include asking for help,finding a lost puppy carrying books and groceries or asking for directions. Young children are lured by money toys candy or promises of puppies or kittens older children by drugs money or alcohol , or even promises of movie careers"
Just how many real bona fide peedos do you know that actually use the line do you want to come see my puppies? me? none that's right none zilch zero, i especially do not know any who claim to be fucking Steven Spielberg, this is either a horrifying statistic or a very bad stereo type of a child molester.
" hey , kid stick with me I'm gonna make you a star, sign on the dotted line kid me and you lets make movies straighhhht to the top yes sir" would say Steven whilst twiddling a giant cigar in his mouth like one of the twatting Marx brothers, " OK but what about the puppies sweets and kittens MR S.?" would say the child, "never mind that boy I'm making E.T 2 so get in the fucking basket" .
Its just not very fucking likely is it?
Id be far more inclined to be believe he was setting real traps to catch them ones with big sharp steel jaws that clang shut and rip the kids legs off at the knee, bear pits, fuck knows giant mouse traps maybe , what i do know is kids ain't interested in fluffy kittens and sweeties.
An abductor preys upon children who-
takes short cuts to school
looks depressed
are loners
appear unkempt neglected or unsupervised
and frequent video arcades
Oh yeah very likely , how many kids actually use arcades any more since the induction of the junior predator drone simulation system concept X box live, all i can imagine here is an arcade chocka block full of peedos looking furtively around and at their watches wondering whether to turn it in for the day and try again tomorrow, after all there is only so many games of street fighter two you can play before you start to look suspicious .
http://antisex.info/en/molester.htm
the good old days
I here by declare that every young adolescent males first leisure time experience with his old fella, should be named a Jon Venables............ i still remember the day i took the little chap by the hand and lead him down the tracks
Sunday, 6 June 2010
couldnt score in a gay bar
I have a keen interest in old addages and sayings and what not, and although the saying "couldn't score in a gay bar" is hardly pulled from the pages of Chaucer or a Shakespearean farce, it would seem nonetheless that it rings true.In fact to prove the point, the other day with a friend of mine on a perfectly innocent man date in which we consumed an equal amount of alcohol and food in seemingly straight surroundings and with a light but generous sprinkling of a herb we found ourselves, still corpus mentus well after normal "heterosexual" trading hours that is, so we decided to stay out until the evening or morning ran its course.
I for one, and I'm pretty I'm sure he too had never frequented the popular gay bars of the city and decided why not we can hang with those cats surely we might even get chatted up and play hard to get with those hipsters, how could we fail? we knew all the terminology the freaky kids were using these days we were surely with it Man.
Unfortunately after 45 minutes of very unrealistic and unconvincing stroking of each others shoulders and half hearted attempts at grabbing each others nipples in the vain hope the regulars would mistake us for one of their own. We realised that its not that easy to score in a gay bar, although there was at one point a male wandering about the place with his top off ,up and down the thoroughfares with great intent and on passing our awkwardly reserved "butch" table he flicked a screwed up beer label sitting on the edge of our base camp, which hit me clean in the face after ricocheting of my hand at first i thought this was a definite come on but on later retrospection and reflection, i think he just thought look at these twats, but the last laugh was on him because it got fucking chilly that evening and i didn't see his friends holding what upper garment he had left the house with and will now no doubt be ruing the day he flamed away his colourful sweater or such.
The only realistic chance or so i thought of saving my somewhat warped pride in the evening was when i was tapped on the shoulder in the lavatories whereupon i thought to myself "oi oi here we go" time to give this wee man the thanks but no thanks routine and suavely walk out of the bogs like a gay pin up, his disappointment was palpable as i shook the residue of my old chap and turned to take my adoration only to be greeted with the come on" excuse me mate is this your fiver?"
I for one, and I'm pretty I'm sure he too had never frequented the popular gay bars of the city and decided why not we can hang with those cats surely we might even get chatted up and play hard to get with those hipsters, how could we fail? we knew all the terminology the freaky kids were using these days we were surely with it Man.
Unfortunately after 45 minutes of very unrealistic and unconvincing stroking of each others shoulders and half hearted attempts at grabbing each others nipples in the vain hope the regulars would mistake us for one of their own. We realised that its not that easy to score in a gay bar, although there was at one point a male wandering about the place with his top off ,up and down the thoroughfares with great intent and on passing our awkwardly reserved "butch" table he flicked a screwed up beer label sitting on the edge of our base camp, which hit me clean in the face after ricocheting of my hand at first i thought this was a definite come on but on later retrospection and reflection, i think he just thought look at these twats, but the last laugh was on him because it got fucking chilly that evening and i didn't see his friends holding what upper garment he had left the house with and will now no doubt be ruing the day he flamed away his colourful sweater or such.
The only realistic chance or so i thought of saving my somewhat warped pride in the evening was when i was tapped on the shoulder in the lavatories whereupon i thought to myself "oi oi here we go" time to give this wee man the thanks but no thanks routine and suavely walk out of the bogs like a gay pin up, his disappointment was palpable as i shook the residue of my old chap and turned to take my adoration only to be greeted with the come on" excuse me mate is this your fiver?"
living in a box
Imagine if you will that you your in a room, and this room is approximately 60 years across maybe a little more maybe a little less, but the room has a definite boundary which you cannot escape, beside you is a magic box 60 years deep with all possibilities of wonderful experience inside which cannot be moved or taken with you, now imagine that you can see infinitesimal distances within these boundaries with crystal clarity using the power of perception you can see a psychopathic crazed killer with immense strength no reasoning skills and no compassion whatsoever for you or anything around you, it is a certainty that this "thing" is going to end your existence is this realm, and you have but the time it takes this harbinger of doom to travel the distance to where you are now. would you upon seeing him and realizing the danger turn to run and keep running until you hit the boundaries of the room? or would you sit calmly spend a little time contemplating what may be in store for you? and then when you have finally have come to terms with your dilema and you have your answers find yourself free and able to amuse yourself with all the glorious contents of this box.
Imagine all these questions and ideas put forward imagine imagine imagine....... now stop imagining.
Imagine all these questions and ideas put forward imagine imagine imagine....... now stop imagining.
Thursday, 3 June 2010
cant be too careful
Through my twenties i developed a massive drug addiction mostly down to trying to chemically neuter my self so as not to have to deal with the joys of being a parent, this however presents problems as it can kill you, so now i have ditched the party lifestyle and avoid female genitalia altogether, i mostly stay at home now and masturbate into a plastic bag instead of my bed sheets and curtains as i still have the deep rooted fear i might get my mother pregnant when she launders my linen.
FAIRYTALES
Why is it that during our formative years do we get forced fed tidal waves of shit, stories about princesses and princes, goblins and wizards, bedtime stories about pigs and wolfs and greedy little bitches who break and enter your home, eat all your food and fuck off for a lie down while your out with the rest of the family having a nice day pretending to be fucking bears in the woods, why not keep it real? why do we think that children to learn a moral lesson need a world of fantasy to understand right from wrong or good and evil which by the way the concept of in itself completely false.
For example take the Hans christian Anderson classic Hansel and Gretel, all loosely based around a pair of kids i think, who get enticed into a old hags home a witch even, i forget the exact tale , and this house happens to be made of candy and gingerbread, to cut a long story short the little fuckers end up eating her house so she eats them or something equally as fucking stupid , and as i said why delude the poor little buggers,tell them like it is for example
"sweets will rot your teeth that's a given , got it kid? you following? and if an old man or woman claims to have a house made of sweeties and if you go with them you can have all you can eat, don't for one second think they are luring you back there so she can put you in a big pot and eat you all up for supper, no no no, the likely hood is they're going to strip you down to your birthday suit slip you into a bathing costume and take numerous Polaroid pictures of you while they wait for their my space friends to arrive so they take it in turn to rape every hole the universe ever gave you and maybe cut a few more besides"
" the universe daddy ? didn't Jesus and his daddy give me those? "
"no but we will cover that later , lets just say your personal god is defunct and the universe is essentially playful and a bit of a piss taker"
"then my son/daughter you will be dismembered put in Morrison's carrier bags and buried in woods, so what have we learnt from this today"
"not to take sweets from strangers daddy"
"no no no take the fuckers but never get greedy or you will end up with a rectum like maradonnas septum"
"ooh daddy that was good can we have another"
THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
" right kids , one day you will leave home and wont have enough money to rent by yourself so you will get into some house share nonsense living with two other ingrates , and if some cunt knocks on your door saying let me in let me in, don't cower in the corner until the fucker blows your house down head straight to the kitchen knife draw , then head outside and rupture his femoral artery and tell him to piss off and take his clip board or bible with him "
" again again daddy"
"listen here you i haven't got all night you needy little fuckers, tomorrow il tell you about sleeping beauty and the perils of kissing people with sexually transmitted diseases, or maybe the one about dressing up in red capes and carrying baskets of fruit to grandmas house through the woods"
Sweet dreams life destroyer.
For example take the Hans christian Anderson classic Hansel and Gretel, all loosely based around a pair of kids i think, who get enticed into a old hags home a witch even, i forget the exact tale , and this house happens to be made of candy and gingerbread, to cut a long story short the little fuckers end up eating her house so she eats them or something equally as fucking stupid , and as i said why delude the poor little buggers,tell them like it is for example
"sweets will rot your teeth that's a given , got it kid? you following? and if an old man or woman claims to have a house made of sweeties and if you go with them you can have all you can eat, don't for one second think they are luring you back there so she can put you in a big pot and eat you all up for supper, no no no, the likely hood is they're going to strip you down to your birthday suit slip you into a bathing costume and take numerous Polaroid pictures of you while they wait for their my space friends to arrive so they take it in turn to rape every hole the universe ever gave you and maybe cut a few more besides"
" the universe daddy ? didn't Jesus and his daddy give me those? "
"no but we will cover that later , lets just say your personal god is defunct and the universe is essentially playful and a bit of a piss taker"
"then my son/daughter you will be dismembered put in Morrison's carrier bags and buried in woods, so what have we learnt from this today"
"not to take sweets from strangers daddy"
"no no no take the fuckers but never get greedy or you will end up with a rectum like maradonnas septum"
"ooh daddy that was good can we have another"
THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
" right kids , one day you will leave home and wont have enough money to rent by yourself so you will get into some house share nonsense living with two other ingrates , and if some cunt knocks on your door saying let me in let me in, don't cower in the corner until the fucker blows your house down head straight to the kitchen knife draw , then head outside and rupture his femoral artery and tell him to piss off and take his clip board or bible with him "
" again again daddy"
"listen here you i haven't got all night you needy little fuckers, tomorrow il tell you about sleeping beauty and the perils of kissing people with sexually transmitted diseases, or maybe the one about dressing up in red capes and carrying baskets of fruit to grandmas house through the woods"
Sweet dreams life destroyer.
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Kendall fruit cake ( and yes i know it never happened in kendall but kendalls in cumbria and it will be good enough for the daily mirror)
a tragic shooting in cumbria today has left 13 dead including the gunman, i have no doubt that the tabloids tomorrow will lead with the headline " gunman in Kevlar/Kendall" or some other such erroneous link that they invariably come up with to sell their rag.
A police spokesman on ITN news has asked any of us who may have any information on Mr Derrick Bird's movements today to contact them, which is all very well but i fail to understand what insight they hope to gain about this tragic episode from knowing the size weight colour and girth of his morning stool.
A police spokesman on ITN news has asked any of us who may have any information on Mr Derrick Bird's movements today to contact them, which is all very well but i fail to understand what insight they hope to gain about this tragic episode from knowing the size weight colour and girth of his morning stool.
monkeys and monoliths
I think that even if the dark looming future of trans humanism comes about where human beings are combined with machines and computers able to access every bit of information at the blink of an eye like a souped up stroke victim, the dribbling masses of the public will still choose a scart lead in the back of there heads that links up to their yummy yummy television,, to those of you in the know stop with all futile attempts to save humanity and just save yourself, for i fear the vast majority were lost long before now.
lets face it if a survey was taken in this country on whether they would take micro chips or not at least 90 percent of the populations reply would be " mm yes please pass the sauce"
lets face it if a survey was taken in this country on whether they would take micro chips or not at least 90 percent of the populations reply would be " mm yes please pass the sauce"
im your nick clegg
reckons not far in the distant future the name Nick Clegg will be a euphemism for being someones bitch in prison. " bend over Clegg , lets get liberal" .
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
the colour of funny
Duncan and David sit either side of a small downsyndrome boy called Edward in a non desscript public house, on a lounge seat which hugs the back wall directly facing a pool table. they have all put their initials on a small chalk board in a very english form of queuing for a game of pool.
David- remind me again duncan why are here babysitting a chap with downsyndrome?
Duncan- its his birthday.. and the boy likes pool.
David- hes not a boy dunc, hes a 40 odd year old man.
Duncan - 40 year old men my friend do not wear thomas the tank engine trainers.
David- well no your right, but grown men dont play video games 8 hours a day either Duncan , and a grown mans idea of saving for his future is not a box full of He-Man and star wars action toys stashed in a toys r us power rangers storage unit.
Duncan- well ok fair point , but look at his face thats the face of a teenager.
David- no mate, thats the face of a reproductive cell tragically going wrong at the genisis of his life.
Duncan- Bit glenn hoddle mate.
David- Glenn who?
Duncan- the footballer, and ex england manager, gave a statement declaring the reason why people start life with disabilities is that they have done something terrible in a former life, interesting theory actually.
David- there is only one person in this room mate who im beginning to think did soemthing wrong in past life mate and it aint Edward.
Duncan- he drinks like a fish dont he?hes costing me a packet in fosters, good job im gettin paid for this.
David- your getting paid?
Duncan- yeah course you remember i went for that job as a carer the other week? well i got it i now currently look after my friend here Mr Edward Thompson 5 nights out of seven a week thats why ive not been about much.
David- you look after him at night?
Duncan- wellllllll, this is the genius thing , the pay is so good i got myself two of them but i applied as different people for the two vacancies , i wore a disguise and everything.
David- jesusss mate thats gotta be against the law or something.... fraud of some sort, moonlighting at very least and why the hell do they need someone to see to his needs at night time surely he sleeps most of it.
Duncan- well my other customer billy does, hes all above board i feed his cats take him out for a stroll do some chores through the day all easy peasy but there aint enough hours in the day mate, not to do two of them anyway, so i sort of maybe erm adjusted Edwards routine slightly.
David- adjusted?
Duncan- yeah adjusted mate, tinkered, rearranged as it were, hes became quite the nightowl he sleeps all day comes alive at night, it works out perfectly for me , mind you its dam hard work still but its worth it.
David - let me get this straight, you have created a false identity to get two seprate jobs at the same company lookin after people with learning difficulties forcing one of them to become a creature of the night.
Duncan- force him? course i never forced him what do you take me for? , do you know how hard it is to get a chap like him to do what you want him to against his will?.
David- ok ok well i suppose thats something at least my god duncan your crazy.
Duncan- yeah I had to drug the little fucker though, nighttol mate nighttol on his frosties his spaghetti hoops everything he eats basically all at carefully worked out points in the day till his internal body clock was exactly how i needed it to fit my schedule. hes a regular little lost boy now he loves it and hes shit hot at pool ive been bringing him here to play pool for money all week im raking it in, like rain man with a weapon.
David-i cant be a party to this mate im sorry im off.
Duncan- no matey its fine, hes fine, we are fucking fine! just help me out he gets a bit of a handful ,talk to him or something its nearly his turn on the table.
David- im not so sure really i have slightly less illegal activities to be gettin on with at home like going hme to read a book on taosim or raping a farm yard animal.
Duncan - its fine mate whos gona find out just talk to him until its his turn then we will leave i promise, he loves movies he has a collection that would put blockbusters to shame DVDs everywhere in his gaff
David - he does know that collecting dvds is futile as they will become defunct soon when the next genration of home cinema comes along to claim our expendable income.
Duncan- its ok just keep asking him if he likes harry potter and all will be sweet.
Just then a voice from the other side of the bar murmurs " whos up next?" " which one of you boys is E.T ?".
The previously unstirred and silent Edward Thompson raise his finger towards the man as if to answer his question as the theme from a well known classic little lost alien moving picture show plays as if from nowhere.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O15x-B8PgeE
David and Duncan just turn to look at each other.
Duncan- you got a fifty pence piece mate?
David- yeah why?
DAVID HANDS DUNC THE MONEY BEWILDERED
Duncan- WATCH THIS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzJZTwFYKv4
Duncan heads to the juke box sldies the firty pence piece in with a clunk and the opening bars of eric claptons "its in the way that you use it" form the motion picture soundtrack to the colour of money, Edward clears up like fast eddy Fulson to much comedy guffaw end scene.
David- remind me again duncan why are here babysitting a chap with downsyndrome?
Duncan- its his birthday.. and the boy likes pool.
David- hes not a boy dunc, hes a 40 odd year old man.
Duncan - 40 year old men my friend do not wear thomas the tank engine trainers.
David- well no your right, but grown men dont play video games 8 hours a day either Duncan , and a grown mans idea of saving for his future is not a box full of He-Man and star wars action toys stashed in a toys r us power rangers storage unit.
Duncan- well ok fair point , but look at his face thats the face of a teenager.
David- no mate, thats the face of a reproductive cell tragically going wrong at the genisis of his life.
Duncan- Bit glenn hoddle mate.
David- Glenn who?
Duncan- the footballer, and ex england manager, gave a statement declaring the reason why people start life with disabilities is that they have done something terrible in a former life, interesting theory actually.
David- there is only one person in this room mate who im beginning to think did soemthing wrong in past life mate and it aint Edward.
Duncan- he drinks like a fish dont he?hes costing me a packet in fosters, good job im gettin paid for this.
David- your getting paid?
Duncan- yeah course you remember i went for that job as a carer the other week? well i got it i now currently look after my friend here Mr Edward Thompson 5 nights out of seven a week thats why ive not been about much.
David- you look after him at night?
Duncan- wellllllll, this is the genius thing , the pay is so good i got myself two of them but i applied as different people for the two vacancies , i wore a disguise and everything.
David- jesusss mate thats gotta be against the law or something.... fraud of some sort, moonlighting at very least and why the hell do they need someone to see to his needs at night time surely he sleeps most of it.
Duncan- well my other customer billy does, hes all above board i feed his cats take him out for a stroll do some chores through the day all easy peasy but there aint enough hours in the day mate, not to do two of them anyway, so i sort of maybe erm adjusted Edwards routine slightly.
David- adjusted?
Duncan- yeah adjusted mate, tinkered, rearranged as it were, hes became quite the nightowl he sleeps all day comes alive at night, it works out perfectly for me , mind you its dam hard work still but its worth it.
David - let me get this straight, you have created a false identity to get two seprate jobs at the same company lookin after people with learning difficulties forcing one of them to become a creature of the night.
Duncan- force him? course i never forced him what do you take me for? , do you know how hard it is to get a chap like him to do what you want him to against his will?.
David- ok ok well i suppose thats something at least my god duncan your crazy.
Duncan- yeah I had to drug the little fucker though, nighttol mate nighttol on his frosties his spaghetti hoops everything he eats basically all at carefully worked out points in the day till his internal body clock was exactly how i needed it to fit my schedule. hes a regular little lost boy now he loves it and hes shit hot at pool ive been bringing him here to play pool for money all week im raking it in, like rain man with a weapon.
David-i cant be a party to this mate im sorry im off.
Duncan- no matey its fine, hes fine, we are fucking fine! just help me out he gets a bit of a handful ,talk to him or something its nearly his turn on the table.
David- im not so sure really i have slightly less illegal activities to be gettin on with at home like going hme to read a book on taosim or raping a farm yard animal.
Duncan - its fine mate whos gona find out just talk to him until its his turn then we will leave i promise, he loves movies he has a collection that would put blockbusters to shame DVDs everywhere in his gaff
David - he does know that collecting dvds is futile as they will become defunct soon when the next genration of home cinema comes along to claim our expendable income.
Duncan- its ok just keep asking him if he likes harry potter and all will be sweet.
Just then a voice from the other side of the bar murmurs " whos up next?" " which one of you boys is E.T ?".
The previously unstirred and silent Edward Thompson raise his finger towards the man as if to answer his question as the theme from a well known classic little lost alien moving picture show plays as if from nowhere.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O15x-B8PgeE
David and Duncan just turn to look at each other.
Duncan- you got a fifty pence piece mate?
David- yeah why?
DAVID HANDS DUNC THE MONEY BEWILDERED
Duncan- WATCH THIS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzJZTwFYKv4
Duncan heads to the juke box sldies the firty pence piece in with a clunk and the opening bars of eric claptons "its in the way that you use it" form the motion picture soundtrack to the colour of money, Edward clears up like fast eddy Fulson to much comedy guffaw end scene.
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